Amby (xbetrayedx) wrote,
Amby
xbetrayedx

Things lately

I have always suffered from depression. Not only do I have problems with depression, but I also have problems with anger/rage and anxiety. My first memory of being depressed was when I was four years old. My mother has problems with depression also. A few things that made it worse growing up was my mother's emotional abuse and my father's physical abuse. When I was very young, 3 to 5 years old, my mother use to pretend like she was dead. She would not warn me, she would just lay there lifeless. I would shake her, cry, and scream. This was very traumatic for me because I really thought my mother was dead. Another thing she has often done throughout my life is not follow through with her promises. This is just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to my mother, but that's all I want to touch on.

I looked up online about abuse and depression. What I found was, that children who are abused often suffer from depression as an adult. I already inherited depression from my mother, so this just confirms that their abuse only made everything worse. I also found that abuse can cause a person to not be able to handle stress as an adult. When I read that, I thought, "Oh my gosh, that is so me. I cannot handle stress at all. The littlest thing that should not normally stress someone out, stresses me out".

After Emily was born, I had postpartum depression. I did not tell many people about this, especially my doctor. At first I tried to ignore it. Then I couldn't ignore it, so I told Jay and my mom. I kept thinking it would just go away. I wasn't thinking about harming myself, yet. My body image only made things worse and eventually I was in so deep that I felt like there was no way out. Before Christmas, I got so bad that I began thinking about harming myself; I thought about cutting, suicide, and death. When I began having those thoughts I decided to go see my doctor. I finally was able to go a little over a week ago. She said I probably have a chemical imbalance in my brain. She prescribed me Zoloft and Trazodone. The Zoloft as an antidepressant and the Trazodone to help me sleep at night. The only side effects I'm having so far are just a loss of appetite, upset stomach, sore muscles, and a really bad headache. Sometimes at night it feels like I have the flu. I found on the internet that if you stop taking the medicine it's possible to have flu like symptoms, this is a symptom of withdrawals. Other then that, it seems to be working. I might need a stronger dose to make it last longer throughout the day or maybe a different medication all together. I don't know, we'll see. It's going to be a long journey to recovery, but it will be worth it.
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