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BROKEN AND BRUISED.... [entries|friends|calendar]

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My tweets [13 Jul 2016|09:51am]
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My tweets [12 Jul 2016|09:56am]
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My tweets [10 Jul 2016|02:53pm]
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My tweets [08 Jul 2016|06:01am]
  • Fri, 05:59: If we take away guns, criminals will still find a way to get them. This will leave us, law abiding citizens, defenseless against them.
  • Fri, 06:00: RT @CaptainObvious: When life shuts a door, open it again. That’s how doors work.
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My tweets [07 Jul 2016|11:57pm]
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My tweets [01 Jul 2016|06:01am]
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My tweets [30 Jun 2016|06:01am]
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My tweets [27 Jun 2016|09:51am]
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My tweets [19 Jul 2015|06:05am]
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My tweets [24 Aug 2014|06:03am]
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My tweets [23 Aug 2014|06:03am]
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My tweets [22 Aug 2014|06:03am]
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My tweets [15 Aug 2014|06:03am]
  • Thu, 22:11: @Joe_Gatto Have you all already been through TX? I don't see it on the tour list.
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My tweets [14 Aug 2014|06:03am]
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My tweets [09 Aug 2014|06:03am]
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My tweets [05 Aug 2014|06:03am]
  • Tue, 04:17: @BQQuinn What is the best prank you've played on your friends? A friend of mine got me with the egg prank once. It was quite a mess.
  • Tue, 04:22: @BQQuinn And how did you get so cute?!?
  • Tue, 05:28: @BQQuinn What is the best prank you've pulled on your friends?
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Life [31 Jan 2013|02:12pm]
[ mood | exhausted ]

Things have been pretty lame lately. I hate to admit this because I love my daughter to pieces, but sometimes I miss our old life. I miss being able to go out and do what I want when I want. I miss being able to go on dates with Jay and have fun with him & friends. However, even though life is different I wouldn't change a thing. We still have fun, it's just different. We play with Emily and try to make her laugh. Instead of it revolving around us, it revolves around her. I just hope that Jay and I can get out alone soon. I miss him. We hardly ever talk anymore mainly because we're always taking care of Em. She makes a lot of noise, so it's hard for us to hold a conversation. We can't even watch tv because she squeals loud enough to where we can't hear it. I hate to say this, but if people knew before hand just how hard it would be raising a child and how much their life would change they might not have kids. I hate admitting these things, but I know I'm not the first to have thought them. But, like I said before I wouldn't change a thing. I love her so much.

Going to the doctor tomorrow. They'll probably up my meds because it isn't working enough and may have to change all together because I think they are making my anxiety worse. Bleh.

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Things lately [14 Jan 2013|10:55pm]
I have always suffered from depression. Not only do I have problems with depression, but I also have problems with anger/rage and anxiety. My first memory of being depressed was when I was four years old. My mother has problems with depression also. A few things that made it worse growing up was my mother's emotional abuse and my father's physical abuse. When I was very young, 3 to 5 years old, my mother use to pretend like she was dead. She would not warn me, she would just lay there lifeless. I would shake her, cry, and scream. This was very traumatic for me because I really thought my mother was dead. Another thing she has often done throughout my life is not follow through with her promises. This is just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to my mother, but that's all I want to touch on.

I looked up online about abuse and depression. What I found was, that children who are abused often suffer from depression as an adult. I already inherited depression from my mother, so this just confirms that their abuse only made everything worse. I also found that abuse can cause a person to not be able to handle stress as an adult. When I read that, I thought, "Oh my gosh, that is so me. I cannot handle stress at all. The littlest thing that should not normally stress someone out, stresses me out".

After Emily was born, I had postpartum depression. I did not tell many people about this, especially my doctor. At first I tried to ignore it. Then I couldn't ignore it, so I told Jay and my mom. I kept thinking it would just go away. I wasn't thinking about harming myself, yet. My body image only made things worse and eventually I was in so deep that I felt like there was no way out. Before Christmas, I got so bad that I began thinking about harming myself; I thought about cutting, suicide, and death. When I began having those thoughts I decided to go see my doctor. I finally was able to go a little over a week ago. She said I probably have a chemical imbalance in my brain. She prescribed me Zoloft and Trazodone. The Zoloft as an antidepressant and the Trazodone to help me sleep at night. The only side effects I'm having so far are just a loss of appetite, upset stomach, sore muscles, and a really bad headache. Sometimes at night it feels like I have the flu. I found on the internet that if you stop taking the medicine it's possible to have flu like symptoms, this is a symptom of withdrawals. Other then that, it seems to be working. I might need a stronger dose to make it last longer throughout the day or maybe a different medication all together. I don't know, we'll see. It's going to be a long journey to recovery, but it will be worth it.
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Man, how times have changed [14 Jan 2013|10:04pm]

This was copied from my Xanga account:

I wrote here a few years ago. It was in March 2010. I didn't know it yet, but I was pregnant at the time of my last blog entry. It did not end well. I ended up having a miscarriage by emergency surgery. I was hemorrhaging and had to have an emergency d&c performed almost immediately. I lost so much blood that I was back in the hospital just a few days later to be given blood. It was one of the worst experiences of my life. In May, Jay and I married. As soon as we could, we tried for a family again several times with failed attempts. After my second miscarriage in July of 2011, we ignored my doctors request to wait and tried for a third time. I'm so glad that we didn't listen to the doctor because at the end of September of that same year (2011) we found out I was pregnant again. This time, everything looked great and was progressing as it should. Everyone, especially the two of us were nervous throughout the entire pregnancy. After two miscarriages, we had good reason. In January of 2012, we found out the sex of our baby. It's a girl!!! We decided to name her Emily Michelle, who entered our world May 21, 2012. She has completely changed our lives and things couldn't be better. We had a little rough start after she was born because we both had complications, mine lasted about double the amount of time it should have been due to a nasty infection. I couldn't hardly sit, walk, stand...I couldn't do anything without help because of the excruciating pain I was in. Thankfully that's over now and I'm able to enjoy life with my beautiful baby girl. She is now 7 months and time is going by to fast! It needs to slow down.

I've read over a few journal entries from the past and wow what an improvement I have made in myself. I do not hardly use fowl language,only when I'm angry and I'm trying to work on that. Certain things that seemed important then, like friends doing me wrong and other things, just don't matter now. All that matters is my little family, our extended families, and the few good friends we have left.

"Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose..but it's okay to try again."

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A long long time.... [10 Feb 2012|05:04pm]
[ mood | happy ]

      It has been a long time since I've written and so many things have happened in my life. So many things have changed. Since my last post the divorce was, obviously, finalized seeing as how I am married now to Jay Matthews. After the divorce was final, like the very next day, I moved out of my parents place and into his. We had been dating since October of 2007; yes before my divorce was final and even before I moved out of the house I lived in with my now ex-husband. I enrolled back into college January of 2010. The very next month, we found out I was pregnant. Jay proposed in March and the very next day things with the pregnancy started to go downhill. During this time and before the miscarriage, I was in and out of the emergency room for a week. I was admitted twice in a week. I nearly bled to death because my body was rejecting the baby and was having trouble miscarrying on its own. I ended up having to have surgery to remove the baby. It was the hardest thing. I was so thankful during my stay at the hospital, while on the maternity floor, that no one had a baby. Every time a baby is born they play a song over the loud speaker and I think during that time it would have just made things worse for all of us (my mom and Jay were with me the entire time). I probably would have bawled my eyes out. A few days later I was back, admitted again. I had to have a blood transfusion because I lost to much during the previous incident. After my body recovered, after I recovered emotionally (for the most part), and after I paid off my debt, Jay and I planned our little wedding. I went and got a dress, we picked out what he was to wear, and I made the arrangements with Justice of the Peace. It was a small event with only my parents, my Granny, his mom, and his sister. I liked it that way and he did too. The fewer the people the better. It made it more special, more about us. After we were married we tried for a long while to get pregnant again, but had no luck. We ended up having to see a specialist at the beginning of 2011 and we found out, which we kind of already knew, that I was the problem. The plan was for me to take a medication to help me get pregnant, but before I could get to that point I was pregnant again. This was around July of 2011. The pregnancy wasn't progressing as it should; there was a sac, but no baby. Again I had to have surgery. We tried again after sex was allowed, but failed to tell my doctor. I took a pregnancy test and it was negative. I ended up having surgery again, but this time it was to check and see if I had any scar tissue from the previous surgery. Little did we know that during this surgery that I was pregnant. The doctor tested me before surgery to see if I was pregnant, but again it said negative. Well, it was a false negative. I assume it was just to early to tell. Today, February 10, 2012, I am 25 weeks pregnant (6 months and 1 week). The surgery did not affect her. She hung on and has been so strong. We found out in January that we're having a little girl. Her name is Emily Michelle and will be born on or around May 24th. We are so thrilled and couldn't be happier. We are blessed and life is good.

      I read some of my previous entries and its funny to me how I could ever be the way I was. I can't remember how or when I changed for the better, but I think it must have been around the time Jay re-entered my life. I'm glad to be the person I am today and hope to someday forget the person I was.

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